My daughter just came home from her first international travel adventure. This time it was to England and France for 2 weeks. Almost 2 years ago, our son did the same exact trip. My children are a part of a program called People to People. To be a part of the program they must be nominated by a teacher and they must exhibit responsibility, leadership, a compassion for learning, and maturity. Once nominated they need to go for an interview, write a letter as to why they should be chosen and give 3 letters of recommendation. It really is quite a process, but in the end it is totally worth it. The program is wonderful, and my kids will benefit from it for different reasons for a long, long time. Don’t get me wrong, to allow them to be part of this program at such a young age, and created much conflict within us as parents, and with many who aren’t quite sure why we let our kids do this.
However, conflict to us as parents is something that we are used to and we have caused unnecessary worry about how our children will turn out. Not that I feel like we need to defend our parenting style, it more of an explanation because our parenting style really isn’t too normal. The best way we have described it for years is; we are the most liberal overprotective parents we know. We do not treat parenting as a dictatorship. Now don’t get me wrong, we have rules and boundaries. If we do not feel that something or someone is safe we will tell them no. We feel as parents it is our responsibility to teach them and guide them, to help them learn their own boundaries, and comfort zones, and then to push them out of those zones when necessary. We “teach” our children that life is full of choices, and in most cases there is a right and wrong choice. We teach them that life is full of consequences, and for every choice or action they make there is a consequence, whether it be right, wrong or indifferent. We teach them compassion, acceptance, to love, and to be humble (there are some more fortunate as us, and some less fortunate). We let our children make mistakes, so that they can learn from them. But most of all, we teach them to be comfortable making choices for themselves, and to be comfortable with who they are. It is not our job to tell them who they are or who they need to be. It is not our job to tell them what their dreams should be and force them into that direction. It IS our job to give them the tools to be successful in life; it is our job to guide them, and support them, and to help them through, sometimes with tough love when necessary. Our ultimate goal is to have our children grow into happy, confident, independent adults that are not afraid of the world, and to know that dreams are achievable if they are willing to try an reach for them, and to realize that there will be disappointments in life, but to accept them head on. But most of all we parent our children for the individuals they are, even if that means having 2 totally different parenting styles.
But I have been reflecting for weeks on my children, and what kind of human beings they are turning out to be. We hear nothing but GREAT things about both of them from teachers, and other adults. We have had people thank us for our children, because of their willingness and acceptance of others, especially those with special needs, and finally because of their compassion in helping others. We are basically told our kids are perfect….by all means they are not. Each of them has their own imperfections, which make them the individual they are.
Shawn is our GT kid.
Gifted and talented kids to some are considered special needs, but on
the opposite end of the spectrum. His
journey has been a long, most interesting one, which I wouldn’t trade for the
world. We knew he was “special” by the
time he was 18 months old. He had this
uncanny ability to memorize EVERYTHING he saw just once. He was/is always thirsty to learn more,
always asking questions, always wanting to know not just why, but how. When he was 4 we found out that he was a “GT
kid with a high IQ.” Neither of us knew
what this meant, so we went home and frantically researched. In the end I was ultimately freaked out
because, at that time, almost every web site had statistics on the suicide
rates of GT kids. We became determined
to help him lead a “normal” life. And by
“normal” what I mean is balance. We
wanted to foster his “gift” but yet we didn’t want that to consume his
life. He has always shown interest in
sports, music, and drama. He enjoys
being around other people and is very outgoing. He is always in the top of his class, and a
consistent leader in school, and he genuinely loves life. But despite all of his successes he, like
everyone, has faults. Around 8 years old he developed Anxiety disorder. It was mainly around bedtime. He would go into these fits of almost rage
(wouldn’t even remember them the next day).
We needed help! The school was no help because he was fine while he was
there. So began our uphill battle to find out what was wrong. I read plenty of books, websites, anything I
could and followed their suggestions, and they would work for a bit but then
all of a sudden we would be back to square one.
Finally 2 years ago our Family Physician helped. He was officially diagnosed with Anxiety
disorder with some OCD tendencies. Now
this, just to note in some kids goes hand in hand with being “Gifted”. We mutually decided that we did not want to use
“drugs” to treat him. We wanted him to learn the
coping mechanism to dealing with this, a needed skill for him to succeed as an adult.
We felt “drugs” would just mask the problem, and not really help him
learn to deal with it. So we chose the
natural path (changing diet, stressing routine, teaching him different ways to
deal with it). And it worked…it has been
2 years with no episodes. He mentioned
to me just last week that he was very confident now that he could deal with it
and was grateful that we worked with him until he did. And the big kicker….We have watched him teach
some of his friends his new found skills to help some them through their tough
times. He has started thinking about his
future and has created goals for himself. He would like to really be a professional Lacrosse player, but to supplement his money he has decided to be a Doctor, either a neurosurgeon or a Scientist that helps find cures to diseases.
I won’t lie, sometimes things got so frustrating that we would wonder
why he was chosen to be ours, but then all we do is have to look at how
successful he is and continues to be, and know that is the reason why, and we
wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.
Now Jacee is our quiet, determined, shy, and shall I say, ornery, baby girl. When she was little it quickly become apparent that she was shy. She wasn’t very social, and didn’t have much to say. In matter of fact they wanted to put her in speech therapy because of how quiet she was. She was fine with people as long as she with her Dad or me, clinging to us. To make kindergarten an easy transition we decided she needed pre-school. We struggled daily with that, especially when she learned Mom was just upstairs. As she got older it got better….School for her is very easy, but it’s because she is determined and motivated to do good. She knows that being shy is a weakness, and is always looking for ways to push her out of this comfort zone. One year she came home and announced that she was going to do the spelling bee just to try it. She isn’t a good speller, and she knew she wouldn’t win, but she just wanted to see if she could get in front of all those people and do it. She does drama for the same reason. She loves sports, and music. She is our “silent” leader, with a gentle heart. She is not outgoing, but has a lot of friends. She does wish she was more popular, and our challenge is getting her to understand that isn’t her, she is popular in her own way because of her kind and nurturing ways. She does great in school, and is a good student because she is motivated to succeed. Motivation, determination and drive…are all things that she uses to her advantage, and this I think will allow her to succeed at anything she put her mind to. At any rate she flips between being a Teacher, or a Veterinarian. However, she currently has her sights on joining the Air Force, and flying the jets.
Our kids…I watch them getting older, and I see the individuals that they are becoming. I guess my point to all of this rant is, I see that what we try to teach them has stuck in their minds. I see them have goals for themselves, and I see them lead others the same way we lead them. This tells me that we are doing something right as parents. As we enter the infamous teen years leading them into adulthood, my only hope is that these lessons continue to stick in their minds, and that they continue to do great things in life. There will be mistakes along the way, but my hope is that they learn from them. And in the end when it is time to let them fly, my only hope is that they take the tools we have given them and achieve THEIR dreams and are happy and confident along the way, and I think they will.
I guess I am just baffled over how many that do not agree with our parenting style can argue that my kids are not good kids. There has been many situations where people make us feel as if our kids are NOT good, and we are horrible parents. No they aren't perfect, and I will be the first to admit that. And yes, we have made mistakes along the way....who doesn't? I guess we are both just "blind" and maybe in denial. But I think not, my kids are amazing.....and I don't say that because I am their Mom. They amaze me on a daily basis. My only hope is they continue to do so into adulthood.
